| Wow, new entry. I feel like shit. I have a horrible cold. I hate it. ugh. &To make it worse i hate people too. Everyone lies and everyone backstabs everyone and i hate it. I often wonder why we even make friends if they never stay. Why set yourself up for dissapointment? It sorta why i don't want a relationship. I don't know. I guess i've just been kinda weird latly. Everything's so different and the sudden change hurts. &Everyone picks fights over nothing. I swear, there's drama that is centered around me and i don't even understand how it suddenly started. And, oddly,I don't even care that Dakota isn't around anymore, cause i'm not around either. I'm not even here sometimes, well, most of the time. I can't write, i'm never content with anything at all. I can't sleep without waking up a million times a night cause i know i'm going to have to go to school when i wake up and latly it's toture to go through an entire day. I can't think cause it just hurts or makes me angry. I miss how stuff used to be. I was alright with knowing that stuff's going to change, but now that it's happened i hate it. &I hate myself more than ever because i let everything change. Noone cares enough to stay and it's all my fault. I fuck up everything. I wish i was perfect. Everyone would stay if i could just do stuff right. Talk less and perfect more. Speaking of perfection, Kayla and I are doing our History day project on The Perception of Beauty in Society today and how it effects people. It's sad how many people are willing to virtually kill themselves to become perfect. I mean, i wish i were better. A lot better. But i would never go as far as to get into an eating disorder. But all the magazine models make more and more people thrive to want to be "pretty" and "thin" because society has put out that being "pretty" and "thin" is being "perfect." But does anyone really know what being "perfect" is? I mean, it seems like it's different to everyone. But if you flip through the pages of "Seven-teen" or "Cosmo Girl" all you see is the "hottest fashion," or pictures of these beautiful, make-up covered, robots. &It makes people want to be them. It makes them want to be loved. Because almost everyone looks at those pictures and points out what is gorgeous on those models, and what they lack in themselves. We shouldn't be so brainwashed as to try to make ourselves clones too. But it's almost subconsious. We see all these people pay money just to look at a picture of these people in fancy clothes and fake faces and we want that. We want to be wanted. Because so many people think that to be wanted is to be loved and as humans be thrive off of the affection of other people. Of the attention we gain and the complements we hear. &It's sad cause it shouldn't be that way because we're supposed to love ourselves, right? But why is it so hard? Why is it such a distant, out of reach destination? & the only directions we can find are the ones in these stupid magazines with the stupid girls with the stupid fake smiles. Why do we all secretly want that? Okay, well i'm gonna go die now because of this cold. --KRiSTiE.x |
